When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
