I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
