and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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