I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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