So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
