I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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