mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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