my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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