How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
