I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
