Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
