I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
