She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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