I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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