Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
