dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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