I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
