What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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