Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
