Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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