Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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