yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
