Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
the liver wants what the liver wants
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
