Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
