I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
