every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
