im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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