You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
