He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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