whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
