Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
