there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
