The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
