Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
