u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
