apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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