dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
