Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
