you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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