we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
