I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
