bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
