don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
