i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
