U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
