you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
my poor anus
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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