did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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