Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
