4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
