too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
