just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
